My Essential Self

I’ve written a lot about being present and finding peace exactly where you are. I’ve been holding back from writing something like this because I feel like I keep telling the same story over and over again. But I am being reminded that those are the kind of stories God wants me to tell, the ones I  keep coming back to. I’ve had this longing to come back to simplicity. My heart in fact has been crying out for a life of wholeness. I find myself filling my soul with things I think will bring wholeness; striving, stressing and worrying. It’s like there’s something in my brain that says if you worry about this problem enough it might just get solved. Essentially, taking matters into my own hands has always been my first instinct. I realised somewhere along the way that my little heart began believing that was reality; that unless I make it happen out of my own strength it never will and nobody will help me. I’ve noticed a string of situations in my life where this has been my first reaction, further rooting this lie into my heart.  The more I believed this, the farther away I was from trusting God. You see, for me, even though there’s been so much progress in my relationship with God, there is still this tiny part of me that doesn’t really believe he will be take care of me. There’s a little part of my heart that says “I trust you, but only this much.” And when it comes to simplicity, my heart is longing to go back to that place where I trusted without hesitation, because I know that is where my heart will feel whole. I’ve seen this come up in my daily life when it comes to rest. When we rest in God’s love, we are handing over the reins of our life and surrendering completely, which, as you can imagine, I find difficult. I was reading this book called “Present over Perfect” where the author Shauna Niequist talks about the importance of a life of rest, staying present and rediscovering our essential selves. Reading this book for me was the invitation my soul had been begging for, to let go of the pressure to be perfect and just be. Reading this and soaking in this truth I began to realize that this is how I want to live. I want simplicity. I want to let go of the lies that tell me I am never enough. I want to steward this present moment by trusting God even with the little things. Keeping it all together and trying to be perfect is not worth the stress and striving, because the Father already tells us that we are perfectly loved. Everything else falls away when we come back to that simple truth. The truth that we are loved no matter what and that God is for us. I want to come back to simplicity, I want to come back to love.

 

My Essential Self

 

Here I lie, in the stillness.

I come back.

I come back to my essential self, the one I’ve been searching for all along

Here, amongst my fallen walls and failed plans, she is there.

 

You brought me back to her, the simplicity.

My bare self; vulnerability echoing courage and silence screaming triumph.

She is, has been waiting to be found.

I lost her on the road of “I’m better yet, I’ll never be better than” tug of war.

I lost her when I chose perfection over reality

Acceptance over realness.

 

Amongst the thorns I’ve grown,

She is there waiting to come back.

 

The essential self, writing on paper and taking her time.

Present and fully alive.

 

Where have you been is the question I asked,

When the truth is,

Why did I ever let you go?

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